Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was a very simple day with book writing, a swim and a visit to the Deli Ecosse to see Lynn, Julie, Debbie and the gang for a hug and a Mocha being the order of the day. But it was the simplest of things, the simple pleasures in life that made it so memorable.
James was coming around to spend the day based with me. Sometimes, I think that children just need their own space. We had had a busy and hugely successful day on Sunday while we volunteered at Blair Drummond Safari Park and in which I saw a troubled and angry young man grow noticeably in confidence and stature as he shifted some of those burdens from his mind. Perhaps he was feeding them to the Lemurs. But yesterday would be the proof of the pudding. Had he left those burdens behind or did he find them reappearing again overnight? So I was nervous about his visit and prayed that I would find a much more content young man happy with himself and no longer scared of his own shadow. The temptation was to have some wizzo day planned but I thought that he would benefit more from having his own space and I could use the time to write some more of the book.
He arrived just after 9am with his swimming stuff apologising profusely for being late. He wasn’t late. I only asked him to leave the house and walk over at 9am so he wasn’t sat in the house by himself as Heather travelled to see Auntie Isla. I hugged him and reassured him. He was in good time then I confirmed the plan. ‘I have some work to do on the book today but then we are leaving the flat at 11:15 to catch the 11:24 bus to Callander for a swim. As long as it doesn’t involve the television or computer games, you can do whatever you like, just be back for 11:15. If you want to use your computer for something constructive you of course may do, so times your own.’ He went to play outside.
James returned bang on time and as we talked on the bus to Callander he told me how he had spent the morning on the roundabout in the park. On his own. Working out how to whittle the end of a stick into a point in the spinning mechanism of the roundabout. When he told me he was on his own my initial thought was one of sadness that he was playing on his own, then one of guilt that I wasn’t out doing something with him, helping him to build happy memories of his time with me that he could carry with him forever. But then it hit me. It dawned on me that perhaps he just hadn’t had the time to just – be a child. That he had been kept so busy with clubs and dad wanting to take him running in order to give Mum peace or to the soft play areas or to teach him to catch, to swim, to ride, to sail, to play rugby, to be a scout, to play the bagpipes, to play the piano or whatever imaginative day of fun Dad could dream up. He just hadn’t had the time to find himself. To be happy in his own company. To know who he is, and be happy with what he finds, and then, while I was serving and he was having to deal with the realities of service life and the fears for Dad still being away, and then the heartbreak of Dad coming home but then being told that he was ill, and then on his own dawning realisation that Dad might be going away again permanently, he has been asked to grow up too fast. He has had the carefree and exploratory years of childhood in which to find himself so cruelly taken from him. The best thing I could do for him right now as his Dad, the greatest parting gift that I can leave him with is a sense of who he is. Not who I want him to be or what I want him to do. Just an understanding of right from wrong and a desire to do good in whatever wonderful path he chooses. To be happy in himself, to be happy with himself, and be the best he can be while being well mannered, thoughtful and caring of those around him. But right now he needs to enjoy the last of his childhood as James. Just a happy and fulfilled James.
When we arrived in Callander we jumped off the bus for the walk up to the McLaren Leisure Centre. We could have bumped into any of his friends from McLaren High School at any time, but as we walked through the town he held my hand. I didn’t ask him too. He just took it and held it firmly like a child until we reached the narrow path over the footbridge and up the hill. Then once in the pool I so wanted James to join me for my 22 lengths so I could improve his stroke and fitness but James just wanted to float about in the water, on the floats and under the water to explore further his love of water. The temptation to say ‘No come and swim with me’ was strong, but I remembered that he just needed to be a child. So I agreed and off he went. I swam my 22 lengths and looked across as James emerged from the water, gasping for air as he waved a weighted ball with a rag tail at me, a huge smile of success on his face. He was happy. I was happy and gave him the thumbs up and a big smile.
We met by the sofas in the reception after a shower and change, then walked down towards Callander. I phoned the Deli Ecosse and ordered a decaf mocha, a hot chocolate and two flapjacks. A simple but delicious treat for two happy people while we waited for the bus.
We walked into the Deli Ecosse to be met by the delightful Julie for a hug and then Debbie hugged me before I turned looking for a seat to then see cousin Anne sat enjoying lunch. I introduced her to the team while Julie brought up a couple of chairs for us. Then I saw Julie’s Mum, Lynn, who looked most put out that she hadn’t had a hug, so as Anne and James giggled and Julie cheered I gave Lynn a big hug too.
As we enjoyed our drinks and flapjack we talked and then James engaged Anne in conversation with very sensible questions about how we were cousins and what does once removed and second or third cousins mean? I just sat, listened, drank and munched with another huge smile as Anne gave James very simple and clever answers that made the whole cousin thing far easier for me to understand too. All too soon it was time to catch the bus and then we were walking to the flat through the village with James holding my hand. I made lunch of a poached egg on toast with a veggie pick and mix plate with hummus for us both. We talked more about his career choices as he sought my approval on his thoughts and he had clearly thought hard about my guidance over lunch at Blair Drummond. His ideas were very sensible, and most importantly, were his.
After lunch I did some more work on the book while James made some brilliant music on the keyboard. He was trying to learn one of the demo songs on the keyboard and with hard work and perseverance he was starting to get it. I was going through and refreshing my plan for the book and did it with a huge smile. Then he went to play with a friend. A friend younger than him by two years so he could catch up on his missing childhood. He arrived back bang on time at 6:30pm for tea. Prawn Linguine with garlic toasted breadcrumbs and a fennel, celery, mint and lemon salad which he devoured while I taught him how to eat a loose salad with a knife and fork. Once finished I started washing up and then James joined me, fetched a clean tea towel and started drying. It was a simple gesture but was hugely helpful and more importantly made me smile.
Mum had asked that he was home at a sensible time so once we were finished he left at about 8pm with a hug. As the door closed behind him I turned and smiled. I had learned so much today about the importance of the simplest things. I am so sorry James that I lost you so much of your childhood through my career and my exuberance for life, but thank you for still loving me, and teaching me so much. Lots of love Daddy xx.
PS – Don’t worry, I am so going to Beat this Beast!!